Having been a single mother, dating became more challenging than my chosen career. Every relationship, when fresh and new gives you the sense of bliss, but when the newness wears off, you’d better have more to go on than laughter and lust.

Although I strongly urge anyone who is in an abusive relationship to find the courage to leave, I, on the other hand encourage anyone seeking a little more excitement to look within themselves and their own relationship and do what you can to create that excitement and passion at home. Leaving a spouse or partner because the relationship has grown boring can only lead to more heartache, more work and more confusion than you ever imagined. Remember it does take two to create passion!

I think it’s good advice, and for singles too. Those who think marriage or coupledom is the cure for boredom, or that a little more excitement is automatic when in a relationship, should look within themselves first.

Related posts:

1. Dating In This Economy, Part Three: Avoiding The Rut
2. He May Drive You Crazy; But You’ll Avoid Alzheimer’s
3. Walking The Line Of Bad Relationships

A study at the University of Florence finds that a glass or two of red wine may increase a woman’s libido:

Researchers concluded that levels of sexual desire were higher in women who were moderate drinkers of red wine than in their counterparts who preferred other alcoholic drinks, or were teetotal.

One theory put forward by the team of Italian doctors who carried out the study is that chemical compounds found in red wine may improve sexual functioning by increasing blood flow to key areas of the body.

The researchers said: “While this finding needs to be interpreted with some caution, it nevertheless suggests a potential relationship between red wine consumption and better sexuality.”

This should please my husband, who claims I become “chatty Cathy” when I drink wine, especially the red varieties; if he can stand all my babbling, he might get some. *wink*

But what I find interesting is that I’ve never noticed such a direct link between my glass of wine and my sexual desire — but I have, like hubby, noticed my more talkative nature. To me, this means that my sense of intimacy, trust, has increased… No small thing for a woman who’s survived date rape and domestic violence, right? So perhaps additional studies should look into intimacy/red wine connection — to see if the increased sexual desire isn’t really more of an Oxytocin thing…

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I was so glad to read your post on bad relationship signs – I saw myself in number 10.

My husband has been two-timing me for at least 5 years of our 11 year marriage. When I confront him, he is always sorry — but mainly for himself in his “inability to choose” He says he can’t break off his relationship with the other woman, but that he will in time, that I make him stronger and when he is strong enough he will end it with her. I want to believe him because I love him… But my heart knows better; he’s having his cake and eating it too. How do I get him to break it off and have a healthy relationship, the marriage I signed-up for?

Kari, I’m afraid you don’t get to make him to break it off.

No one can make anyone do anything. (Well, literally, it can be done. But then it’s controlling and abusive; Guantánamo Bay detention camp is no model for good relationships.)

The only person you control in your relationships is you.

But that doesn’t leave you powerless. Far from it.

1) You can draw the line for yourself. If your marriage was agreed to and built upon the notion of fidelity and his actions to the contrary hurt you, then do not accept anything else but his fidelity.

2) Communicate that line. Tell him in no uncertain terms that his infidelity is not just upsetting to you, but a breach of contract. Let him know that if he does not end his extra curricular activities that the marriage is over. Or, if you don’t want to bother working on this relationship any more, tell him that since he did not end his affairs the marriage is over. (You should know if you want to continue this relationship or not before you communicate your line; it does no good to demand he toe the line when you just want out.)

Don’t let him cry & claim that you are giving him an unfair ultimatum; he has committed a breach so fundamental that he has terminated the contract. It’s not you; it is him.

3) Walk the line. Should he not cease his affairs with women, you must then take a walk: leave & sue for divorce. Almost all states are no “no fault” divorce states, so you should be able to get divorced without a problem; few states allow fault divorces, so you may not be allowed to actually sue for damages. Even if you live in a place as ridiculously difficult to divorce in as New York, you should be able to find another location or get thee to Guam. In any case you will get your clean slate and the opportunity to find a healthy relationship.

You probably figured out that these three steps, draw the line, communicate the line, and walk the line, can all be used for any relationship, any circumstance (though in cases of domestic violence, greater care must be taken in dealing with the abuser — for instance, communicating the line is not only an irrelevant step, but a dangerous one).

But no matter what your partner does or doesn’t do, you must know what you want/need, set the boundaries & enforce them for yourself. Draw your lines, communicate them (if only to yourself and your support system), and then walk the expectations — even if that means walking away. You will never have a healthy relationship until you do.

Related posts:

1. Of Boredom & Coupledom
2. Museum of Broken Relationships
3. He May Drive You Crazy; But You’ll Avoid Alzheimer’s

Alessia, I was reading your how to find a potential mate in this economy, and I have a related question…

I’ve just stated dating this guy and we’re in the “stay home & snuggle” phase — which I adore, but still worry that will become old too soon… (Can you tell I had a three year long relationship which got into a rut after 6 months? I’m paranoid that the dinner & a movie routine at home will become the only thing we do!)

I’d like to suggest going out once & awhile, or at least something more than dinners and movies, but A) I believe that whoever does the asking should pay (and even if he offers/pays, I don’t want to suggest things that are too expensive) and B) am looking for more romantic ideas than events where you can’t really talk & get to know each other… Like movies, ball games and concerts… Where it’s either too loud to hear one another or rude & distracting to others…

Have any ideas for specific things to do which allow us to talk, are more couples-like things to do, and are cheap or free?

Kristen

Kristen, it sounds like you have two concerns here really… One is the desire for cheap dates, the other a concern about getting into a boring stay-at-home rut. The latter is of concern to many couples, married or not, and why many dating & relationship pros recommend “date nights.”

My best suggestion for all of you looking to turn up the intimacy while dialing back on entertainment costs is to play games — not the mean-spirited relationship or mind games, but games with rules, like board games & card games.

You’re right, Kristen, watching movies or television, going out to events and bars, these things offer little in the way of interaction. Even restaurants can make conversation difficult. But games? Games were designed to get people interacting and talking!

Couples who find themselves with nothing to say, couples who are just getting to know each other, complete strangers or married couples who feel as if they are strangers, can all find themselves actively participating and talking while playing games.

Even angry couples can use games to break those stony silences. Games were invented to be ice breakers, so let them break that icy silence! Rather than sitting side by side with nothing nice to say (and so remaining silent), rather than wondering what to say that won’t lead back to that same old fight, let the game be your focus.

Games are activities, not passive entertainment. Their rules, turn-taking, and structure, will help get the ball rolling. Soon you’ll be talking & laughing — maybe even making silly bets for who does the dishes. *wink*

Games don’t have to be (par)cheesey either. My favorites include Sequence & Othello (and I’m dying to get Mental Floss Trivia Game for my birthday!) — but go dig in the back of your closet to see what you’ve got.

If you don’t have any games, buy some. There are so many games for between $12 & $30 — including many based on your favorite TV shows & films — that you’re sure to find something you & your partner will find worth playing. (And yes, there are “those” adult games too; if you’re looking for something to spice things up sexually. *wink*) One $20 game pays for itself over & over again with each use — like a DVD, but with far less boredom than repeated views of a movie (plus, you’ll be interacting!) Or get a simple deck of playing cards and look online for rules to classic card games.

Have other couples over to play games too. Most games can be played with two couples or in teams; or you can play tournament style, with the winner of the first round playing the winner of the second round, allowing for couples to cheer-on their partners.

And, whatever you do, Kristen, be sure to maintain your friendships and other individual activities outside of the relationship. Don’t give up what you like to do; not only will you establish the pattern that he’s your world (which becomes a rut of dependence, make you resentful, if not bored), but time apart means you’ll have things to talk about with one another when you are together. Maybe even over a game of Monopoly. *wink*

Related posts:

1. Dating In This Economy, Part One
2. Dating In This Economy, Part Two: Cheap & Unusual Dates
3. Of Boredom & Coupledom

In “Marriage Matters”, news of a Scandinavian study that says living with another person actually protects your brain:

People living alone at midlife are twice as likely to develop cognitive impairment later in life as those who are married or cohabiting, a Scandinavian study of 1,400 men and women has found. The projection is even greater for those who have a high risk of dementia. If married, these people are about 3 times more likely to develop Alzhimer’s than married folks without the high-risk gene. But if they’re widowed or divorce, their odds are 25.6 times higher. “Grief is part of it,” says psychology researcher Krister Hakansson. “But it may also be that in a relationship, you can’t stick to your routines as easily because your partner has other ways of doing things. That give-and-take may help keep the neurons firing.” If you live alone, you can still reap some of the benefits of coupledom. “Develop a rich social life, with challenging hobbies,” Hakansson suggests.

OK, so if this study is correct, I am once again correct in my continued preaching that it is essential for women to be happy in their lives, making them full and rich with friends, hobbies and pursuits of other interests rather than gloomily sitting on the sidelines mourning no Mr. Right; the latter can literally make you crazy.

This could also explain how nuns, and those old-maid sisters who live together in the big old house on the hill, manage not to become as deranged as the solo-living cat ladies.

So you might not be wrong to make those pacts with your single male friends — you know the ones, where you promise if you’re both alone by 30 to settle down with (or settle for) each other. But why rule out your single girlfriends? Why not give dating the old college try, and, should it fail, turn to the old college roommate scenario and get yourself a roommate. Ditto the advice for the divorced & widowed.

One word of caution for those who feel more desperate than ever: The study indicates that grief and getting stuck in a rut (including the continual whining & moping) increases your chances of dementia; not a lack of a man.

So get on with your life and be happy with it. (Remember, surrounding yourself with friends and an active social life is impossible when no one can stand to be around your sad-sack-self.) And don’t accept a bad, toxic relationship either; that only leads to grief of another sort. Or violence.

Related posts:

1. Of Boredom & Coupledom
2. Walking The Line Of Bad Relationships
3. Red, Red Wine…

While I am not dealing with a husband with a midlife crisis in my life, I found the book to be excellent — and most of the material could just as easily apply to a no-good-low-down-cheating-so-and-so too. How To Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis offers the reader:

* ways to identify the problems & situation(s) they find themselves in

* proof that they are not crazy or alone in this mess

* excellent professional advice

* resources

* personal tips from survivors

* strategies for coping with it all

* and, perhaps most importantly, the honest & healthy reminder that you are not to blame for his midlife crisis.

Along with holding him personal accountable for his own emotions & behaviors, you’ll also be held accountable for your own reactions.

Yes, his midlife crisis will come with his depression, resentment, and anger — but you’ll have plenty of depression, resentment, guilt & anger of your own that you’ll have to deal with too.

He may be the one blowing your family’s meager savings on some expensive toys, he may be the one cheating, he may be avoiding his responsibilities to you & the children — he may be avoiding his children altogether, but how do you react to that?

And when you find yourself blindsided by the discovery that family & friends, people you’d expect to be on your side, blame you for all his crazy, inappropriate behavior… What then?

How To Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis offers perspective on these and many more issues, so that even if you can’t avoid these pitfalls, you are better prepared to go around or through them.

I was thrilled to discover that the authors not only recognized that his midlife anger & depression may lead to verbal, emotional &/or physical abuse but also devoted many pages to the subject, including how you can recognize when his behaviors are abusive, how to take the situation seriously, & how to deal with it safely.

The one thing How To Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis does not do is tell you what you should do; the decision to stay with him or get rid of him is as personal as it gets, and the authors respect that. They’ve given you the tools & support you need to make the right choice for you — now it’s up to you to make it.

Related posts:

1. He May Drive You Crazy; But You’ll Avoid Alzheimer’s
2. Walking The Line Of Bad Relationships
3. Al Gore Releases New Book, ‘Our Choice’

It’s not that I don’t think people argue about these things; I’m sure they do. Fundamentally it’s simply a matter of values related to money and spirituality — and respectfully working those issues out, right? But somehow I don’t think NBC is going to have the couple work through the real issues of, “He wants a pyramid and I don’t!”

Based on what I’ve seen of reality TV, this ‘helpful’ bit of television programing involves Suzy Orman, Rabbi Shmuley, and some sort of steel cage fighting.

Image via doubledcop at Flickr.

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